Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
