I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
