I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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