I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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