my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
