if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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