Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
