Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
