The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
