the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
