I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
