My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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