he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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