People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
