dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
