Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
