I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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