That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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