if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
