I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
