I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
