why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sobbing to NWA
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
