I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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