dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
