I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
