I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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