I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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