I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.