my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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