Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
