saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
