Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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