did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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