I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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