I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
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He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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