Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
