Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
