i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
