you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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