dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
