the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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