dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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