If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
