Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
