Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
