So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
