I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
