My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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