I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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