Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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