GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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