Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
