Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
