i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
