Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
