And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry about my life...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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