We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
