I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
